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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669504">Despondent</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhith/pseuds/rhith'>rhith</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shinhwa (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, M/M, Self Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:48:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22669504</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhith/pseuds/rhith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Dongwan/Lee Minwoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What’s wrong with Dongwan?” Eric asked softly to the man he stood next to.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Minwoo looked over at him then back at where Dongwan was. They were at a photoshoot and Dongwan was doing some solo shots. </p>
<p>“He seems...very low energy...” Eric watched the man pose for some pictures, “He’s not himself…”</p>
<p>Minwoo frowned slightly, “He’s been having issues sleeping…”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Eric looked at the shorter man again, “He keeps fidgeting, more than normal, and keeps flinching when someone tries to touch him…”</p>
<p>Minwoo looked at him, “He’s just tired.”</p>
<p>Eric narrowed his eyes, he didn’t believe the other man, something was wrong. He shrugged it off for now as he got ready mentally for his turn to do some photos. Dongwan finished his shoot and watched Minwoo walk over to him. He smiled a bit at him, “How’d I do?”</p>
<p>Minwoo reached out for his hand but the man flinched away, “You were great as always…” He frowned slightly, “Eric is worried about you…”</p>
<p>Dongwan followed Minwoo out of the room so Eric could do his photoshoot alone, “Why?”</p>
<p>Minwoo lightly pushed him against the wall after making sure they were alone, “He’s noticing things…”</p>
<p>Dongwan eyes widened a bit as he was pinned against the wall, “Like what?”</p>
<p>“Low energy...fidgeting…” Minwoo leaned in closer, “Flinching when anyone touches you…”</p>
<p>Dongwan frowned at this, “Y-You didn’t tell him right?”</p>
<p>Minwoo let out a sigh as he backed away from him, “Of course not…” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, “I just told him you haven’t been sleeping…”</p>
<p>“Which is true…”</p>
<p>“Half true.” Minwoo snapped back.</p>
<p>“I know…” Dongwan put his hand on his face and sighed, “I’ll try to be better…”</p>
<p>Minwoo took out his hands from his pockets and put them around his friend. He held him close so he could whisper in his ear, “We’ll get through this…”</p>
<p>Dongwan wrapped his arms around the other man and sighed, “I know…”</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Shinhwa was at a restaurant. They just finished the latest of photoshoots for an upcoming album. They sat around a table eating delicious food. Eric made a toast to another well done photoshoot. Dongwan picked at his food, not feeling very hungry, he glanced up from his food to see Eric watching him. He slowly began to eat some food so the older man wouldn’t be suspicious of him. Minwoo noticed but didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He finished up his own food before his hand made its way to Dongwan’s thigh. The man flinched a bit before relaxing.</p>
<p>Minwoo glanced over at him, “Did you get enough to eat?”</p>
<p>Dongwan set down his utensils as he nodded, looking at Eric who was talking to Hyesung. Hyesung hit Eric lightly on the arm, laughing at something the other man had said. Dongwan frowned a bit and looked down at his uneaten food. It made him upset to see everyone so happy when deep down inside he wasn’t.</p>
<p>Minwoo rubbed his thigh lightly as he drank some water. He swallowed it and looked at his friend again, “Do you want to leave?” He asked quietly so the others wouldn’t hear. </p>
<p>Dongwan looked down at himself and nodded a bit. Minwoo cleared his throat and explained to the guys how they were tired so they would be heading out first. Everyone said their goodbyes and they left the restaurant.</p>
<p>Eric waited for them to leave before speaking, “Hey guys...have you noticed anything off with Dongwan?”</p>
<p>Hyesung nodded to this, “I have...he isn’t being himself.”</p>
<p>“I saw them in the hallway talking today…” Junjin spoke, “Dongwan looked upset and Minwoo hugged him…”</p>
<p>Eric sighed, “Minwoo told me he hadn’t been sleeping well…”</p>
<p>“That has never stopped him before…” Hyesung looked at the leader, concerned.</p>
<p>“Is he sick?” Andy asked, “I mean he’s been wearing long sleeved shirts a lot as if he was cold…”</p>
<p>Eric shrugged, “I don’t know...but if this keeps up…”</p>
<p>“We need to talk to him...without Minwoo…” Hyesung explained, “Otherwise Minwoo can butt in and answer for him…”</p>
<p>“We can’t gang up on him though…” Junjin leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms.</p>
<p>“I can try and speak with him first?” Hyesung asked, “I mean…”</p>
<p>“That would be best...” Eric took a drink, “Try to do it tomorrow during the show…”</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Dongwan laid on his side on the couch, staring at a shiny object on the coffee table. He frowned to himself as he heard Minwoo walk into the room. Minwoo put a first aid kit down on the coffee table as he sat down next to it. He grabbed Dongwan’s wrist and began to bandage it. Dongwan looked up at him, he concentrated on wrapping his wrist. He looked so handsome doing it which made Dongwan feel even worse. Dongwan’s bottom lip quivered a bit, “I’m sorry, Minwoo…”</p>
<p>“Shh…” Minwoo said softly as he taped down the bandage, he checked out his work before closing up the first aid kit. </p>
<p>Dongwan watched him take the first aid kit and leave. He looked back at the shiny object on the coffee table and sighed. He glanced back at his bandaged wrist and put his other hand on it. It itched.</p>
<p>Minwoo came back and sat down by Dongwan’s head, which he lifted and put on his lap. He stroked the man’s hair slowly. Dongwan closed his eyes, letting out another sigh as he concentrated on his friend’s touch, “I’m sorry…” He said in a whisper.</p>
<p>Minwoo continued to stroke his hair but didn’t say anything. They had been struggling the last month with Dongwan’s depression he found himself in. Minwoo could only be supportive, there wasn’t much else he could do without pressuring the other man, otherwise they would become distant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shinhwa was filming a talk show. They were in their dressing room getting their hair done and getting their outfits chosen out. Dongwan stared at the shirt he was given, it was short sleeved. </p>
<p>Minwoo went over with an assistant to him holding a new long sleeved shirt, “Here Wannie…” He handed him the new shirt and took the other back, “Told them you’d look better in this…” He handed it off to the assistant and smiled at his friend.</p>
<p>Dongwan smiled a bit as he had his way out of the room to change. Eric noticed and nudged Hyesung to follow. Hyesung did so, “Hey Wan...where are you going?”</p>
<p>Dongwan stopped and turned to him, he felt uneasy, “To the bathroom...to change…”</p>
<p>Hyesung tilted his head to the side, Dongwan always changed in the dressing room, no matter how many people were in there, “Why in the bathroom?”</p>
<p>Dongwan swallowed the lump in his throat, he had no real excuse, “I also need to pee...so…”</p>
<p>“Oh ok…” Hyesung watched him go down the hallway to the bathroom. He frowned to himself as he went back into the dressing room. Once inside he just shrugged to Eric.</p>
<p>Everyone got ready and fixed up for the show, they began filming. Dongwan tried his best to bring high energy and have fun. It was all a show though and Minwoo knew this. He could see behind the man’s smile he was hurting inside, and it made him upset to see his friend in pain.</p>
<p>After the taping they gathered into the dressing room. Dongwan sat down on a couch in the room and crossed his arms. Hyesung walked over and sat down next to him, “Fun show…”</p>
<p>Dongwan looked to see everyone else talking, Minwoo was in a deep conversation with Eric about what happens next. He glanced over at the other man, “Yea, it was fun.”</p>
<p>Hyesung frowned slightly, the other man had no real energy about him, “Hey Dongwan...what’s going on?”</p>
<p>Dongwan blinked a few times, pretending to not know what he meant, “With?”</p>
<p>“You…” Hyesung glanced to see Minwoo and Eric leaving the room, “We’ve noticed that you’ve been down…”</p>
<p>Dongwan looked down at his hands, which were picking at the bottom of his long sleeved shirt, “Haven’t been sleeping well…”</p>
<p>“Alright but…” Hyesung sighed a bit and went to put his hand on the man’s thigh but he flinched, “Are you sure that’s all?”</p>
<p>Dongwan just nodded as an answer. Hyesung sighed a bit, knowing if he kept pressuring him the man would just shut down completely. He slowly stood up, “You know we care about you, right?”</p>
<p>Dongwan didn’t look up, tears stung his eyes a bit. Hyesung walked away to join the others. Dongwan wiped his nose with his sleeve and took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself. He really didn’t want to start crying in the dressing room with the guys there. </p>
<p>Minwoo stood in the hallway talking to Eric about rehearsal for a concert that was going to happen in the next month. Eric was setting the schedule up when he finally looked at the shorter man, “Will Dongwan be up for it?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Minwoo looked at him confused.</p>
<p>“Come on Minwoo…” Eric crossed his arms, “We know something is up with him…”</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” </p>
<p>“He isn’t his normal self…” Eric explained a little impatiently, “He is depressed for some reason...what is going on? And don’t say he hasn’t been sleeping well…”</p>
<p>Minwoo stared at him, he knew Eric wouldn’t let him use excuses for him anymore, “He’s just been…” He looked down at his shoes trying to think of what to say next, “Depressed…”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>Minwoo shrugged and looked up at the taller man, “About a month ago he got into this depression…”</p>
<p>“What happened a month ago?”</p>
<p>“I-I don’t know…” Minwoo sighed, he knew Dongwan would be mad at him for telling Eric, “Just woke up one day depressed…”</p>
<p>Eric frowned, “Is that all?”</p>
<p>Minwoo hesitated a bit before nodding, “Yes…” </p>
<p>That wasn’t all . Yet he couldn’t break Dongwan’s trust by telling Shinhwa’s leader the truth.</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Dongwan stood in the kitchen holding a knife in his hand. He was breathing heavily as he pressed the knife against his left wrist. He gulped as he pressed it against his wrist harder. He took a deep breath in before he started to pull it against his skin, slowly cutting his skin. </p>
<p>A hand grabbed the knife before he could finish cutting along his wrist. He looked up to see Minwoo and his eyes widened. He let go of the knife as the other man took it from him, he tossed it into the sink. He grabbed Dongwan’s other wrist and pulled him along into the bedroom. </p>
<p>Dongwan was breathing rapidly, he was caught. Now Minwoo was mad. Minwoo sat him down on the bed and left to go to the bathroom. He grabbed the first aid kit and sat next to his friend. He started to wrap his wrist up again since the old bandages were gone.</p>
<p>Dongwan watched him, “I...thought you were asleep…”</p>
<p>Minwoo nodded a bit, when they got back from the show they took a nap. He looked at his friend, “I heard the silverware drawer...so I figured…”</p>
<p>Dongwan frowned and took a deep breath in, “S-Sorry…”</p>
<p>Minwoo taped up the bandage and held his friend’s hand in his. He stared down at it, not knowing what to say or do to help him. He kissed the top of his friend’s hand. Dongwan frowned as he put his other hand on his friend’s cheek. </p>
<p>Minwoo kissed up his friend’s arm and pushed him down onto the bed. He slowly got on top of him as he kissed his lips. If he couldn’t help his friend get out of the depression he was in...he could at least help ease it. </p>
<p>Dongwan grabbed Minwoo’s sides as they kissed. He knew Minwoo was upset with him, and also with the situation they were in. He gasped a bit while Minwoo kissed his neck, sucking on it gently. He frowned to himself as his friend’s hands explored his body. He knew his friend was hurting and if making love helped, then so be it.</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Eric watched Dongwan closely as they rehearsed for their upcoming series of music shows. He was sluggish and not really putting much effort into it.  He crossed his arms, “Dongwan…”</p>
<p>Dongwan stopped what he was doing and frowned, “Y-Yes?”</p>
<p>Eric walked over to him, “Are you alright? You’re falling behind…”</p>
<p>Dongwan glanced over to see Minwoo wasn’t there, “I...I didn’t sleep well last night…”</p>
<p>Eric put his hand on his shoulder, he flinched a bit, “Take a break for the next song and get some energy back, alright?”</p>
<p>Dongwan nodded and watched Minwoo come back into the room, he frowned at him. He sat down on the floor and grabbed some water. Minwoo walked over and knelt down, “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Eric said take a break…” Dongwan sighed, “I’m not doing well…”</p>
<p>Minwoo nodded, “Just breathe…”</p>
<p>Dongwan knew he was right, since his breathing was becoming rapid. A panic attack coming on. Minwoo got closer and kissed his cheek before joining the others in training. Dongwan watched as they practiced their latest single, a single he needed to practice because of the choreography. He took deep slow breaths as he watched carefully.</p>
<p>Once they finished the song they decided to take a break. Minwoo went back over to Dongwan but was called over to where Eric was. He frowned at Dongwan before joining the leader on the other side of the room. Junjin went over to Dongwan and sat down next to him, “Hey Wan…”</p>
<p>Dongwan looked at him, “Hey…”</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” Junjin took a drink of water as he watched the older man's expression, it was sad.</p>
<p>Dongwan was tired of people asking if he was alright. Though he understood why. Still it was annoying. He nodded a bit, “The choreo is a bit confusing…”</p>
<p>Junjin laughed a bit, ‘It is...do you need help?”</p>
<p>He shook his head, “Minwoo said we’d practice after practice if I needed help.”</p>
<p>“Oh good.” Junjin smiled a bit at him, knowing there was more to it. He watched Dongwan slowly get up to go back onto the dance floor He realized the older man wore a long sleeved shirt, which was strange because the room was a bit humid.</p>
<p>They started up the song again and this time Dongwan seemed to have more energy. They ran through the song a few times before calling it quits for the day. Eric cleared his throat as he made an announcement, “Tomorrow we have two shows to do...so get some rest…” He looked at Dongwan as he spoke, “And lets have high energy tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Everyone agreed and began to pack up. Dongwan grabbed his stuff and looked around for Minwoo. Minwoo was talking to Hyesung about something and while he did he laughed. Dongwan frowned a bit seeing him smile and laugh. How he hadn’t seen that since he got into his deep depression.</p>
<p>Minwoo patted Hyesung on the arm and made his way to Dongwan, who he could see was visibility upset. He grabbed his hand, “Hey...what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>Dongwan shook his head, letting the other man he rather not talk about it there with the others nearby. Minwoo nodded and grabbed his bag, they said their goodbyes and made their way home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dongwan sat on his knees in the middle of his living room. On the floor were objects that shone in the moonlight that came through the window. He was breathing heavily as he clenched his wrist, it was damp. </p><p>He gulped as the light was turned on and he saw Minwoo walked over to him, he also got down on his knees. Minwoo looked around at the knives on the floor, he picked one up.</p><p>Dongwan watched with wide eyes as Minwoo pressed the knife against his left wrist. He stared at his friend before pulling it across his wrist, cutting it. Dongwan began to panic, “M-Minwoo…”</p><p>Minwoo dropped the knife to the side and wrapped his arms around his friend. Dongwan’s breathing was shallow as he had witnessed his friend cut himself. Why did it affect him so when the last month he had been doing the same? </p><p>Minwoo hugged him tight, “I had to feel what you feel…”</p><p>Dongwan started to cry, “N-No no no…” He put his face in the crook of Minwoo’s neck and sobbed.</p><p>Minwoo held him close as he cried, he glanced at the wrist he had just cut. It was bleeding a bit but nothing life threatening. He pulled his friend away and checked his own wrist which was bleeding a whole lot more since he cut it multiple times. He helped him to his feet and they walked to the bathroom. He sat Dongwan down on the toilet seat and got a damp cloth. He wiped his friend’s wrist. </p><p>Dongwan sniffed as he watched, “W-Why…”</p><p>Minwoo wiped his own wrist off and grabbed the first aid kit. He wrapped his friend’s wrist, “I told you…”</p><p>“B-But why?” </p><p>Minwoo wrapped his own wrist and smiled sadly at his friend, “Because I love you…”</p><p>Dongwan wiped his eyes only to cry more, “I…” </p><p>Minwoo helped his friend to his feet, and kissed him, “I’d do anything for you…”</p><p>---</p><p>Minwoo put on his suit jacket and fixed his hair. As he fixed his hair he noticed part of the bandage showing from his sleeve. He glanced around before removing the bandage. Couldn't have the cameras pick it up while they performed. No need for some sort of scandal to breakout.</p><p>Dongwan came into the dressing room after changing in the bathroom. He walked over to Minwoo and fixed his collar for him, “You look nice…”</p><p>Minwoo grinned a bit as he admired his friend’s suit which was similar to his own, “So do you…”</p><p>After a night of love making to forget the pain they were both in, they haven’t really spoken. Dongwan tried his best to smile at him. Minwoo kissed his cheek before checking himself in the mirror again.</p><p>Dongwan watched Andy walk over. Andy smiled at them both, “Are you guys excited?”</p><p>Minwoo laughed a bit, “Always.”</p><p>“I hope I don’t mess up my part…” Andy said softly.</p><p>“The only way you’d mess it up is by being too cute.” Minwoo said with a cheeky grin.</p><p>Dongwan watched the two men play fight for a moment. Everything seemed so normal yet deep inside he wasn't. How could Minwoo just turn on the happiness? He was envious of his friend.</p><p>It was their turn to hit the stage and show the world that they still had it. Dongwan siked himself up and tried to take Minwoo’s example of just switching on happiness.</p><p>---</p><p>The performance went on without a hitch. It was perfect and Eric was proud of them. The rest of the day of performances went well. Afterwards they went out for drinks.</p><p>“You guys did well today.” Eric explained as he took a drink of his beer, “Tomorrow we hace a few more to do. So don't go overboard with the alcohol...Andy…”</p><p>Everyone looked at Andy who blushed, “W-Why me?”</p><p>Everyone but Dongwan laughed. Dongwan was too busy watching Minwoo and how he casually interacted with everyone. It was as if the night before didn’t happen. It was as if he didnt care he was forced to wear a long sleeved shirt in a humid bar because of what he did to himself the night before. All because he loved him.</p><p>Dongwan downed the rest of his drink and sighed. Hyesung sat next to him and noticed he was again very quiet, “Nice work today, Wan.”</p><p>Dongwan looked at him with a somewhat pleased look, he smiled a bit, “Thanks, You too…”</p><p>Hyesung watched him as he messed with the sleeves of his shirt, “Are you cold?”</p><p>Dongwan froze up. Crap. He shook his head and let out a short laugh, “Nah…”</p><p>Hyesung sighed and looked over to see Eric watching them. He just shrugged at him.</p><p>Minwoo finished his second beer and stretched out his back. His hand went over Dongwan’s shoulder, “I think we better head out...especially if we have a couple shows tomorrow…”</p><p>They all watched as the other two men left to go home. Hyesung sighed when he saw they were gone, “Dongwan won’t talk to me…”</p><p>“I’ve tried as well…” Junjin explained as he looked at the leader, “I know you said that Dongwan is depressed but…”</p><p>“Something is still off…” Eric said as he finished off his last beer of the night. They had to figure out what it was, otherwise how could they help their friend?</p><p>---</p><p>Minwoo sat in the living room watching Dongwan as he decided to clean, “Wannie…” </p><p>Dongwan tied up a garbage bag, “What?”</p><p>“Why are you cleaning now? It’s late…”</p><p>“I...I do this sometimes when I’m upset…” Dongwan explained as he set the bag by the front door to take out later.</p><p>“Why are you upset?” Minwoo watched the other man come over to the couch and sit next to him.</p><p>“Because of you…”</p><p>“M-Me?” Minwoo frowned, not liking the sound of that.</p><p>“I...I don’t get how you can just switch on the happiness…” Dongwan leaned against his arm.</p><p>Minwoo shifted a bit to put his arm around Dongwan, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Today...you were so happy...as if last night didn't happen…” Dongwan put his hand on his friend’s thigh.</p><p>“Oh last night happened...and it was on my mind all day…” Minwoo explained watching his friend’s hand on his thigh, “I just had to put up a front…”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yes...what I did last night isn’t some sort of sick joke.” Minwoo grabbed his friend’s hand, “I’ll keep doing it until you’re out of this depression…”</p><p>Dongwan closed his eyes, feeling guilty, “That isn't fair to you...me being depressed isn't fair to you…”</p><p>“Oh well…” Minwoo huffed, “I love you way too much to just give up on you…”</p><p>Dongwan interlaced their fingers, “I…”</p><p>Minwoo pushed away lightly so he could kiss him. Dongwan fell back onto the couch as his friend climbed on top of him. They kissed a few times before Minwoo spoke, “Nothing...will take me away from you…”</p><p>Dongwan put his hand on Minwoo’s neck and stared into his eyes. They were sad yet full of love. He knew nothing would ever tear them apart. Especially if this didn't break them apart.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dongwan stared at the outfit he had to wear. Not only did it have short sleeves it had no sleeves at all. He watched Minwoo who already changed, he wore a band on his left wrist to hide his cut. Problem was Dongwan had multiple cuts on his wrist and the people in charge of outfits did not give him a band to wear.</p><p>Minwoo walked over to him and noticed his upset expression, “What’s wrong, Wannie?”</p><p>“I…” He looked around to see the others were busy, “I can’t hide them…”</p><p>Minwoo took off his wrist band and handed it to him, “Here…”</p><p>“But yours…”</p><p>Minwoo looked at the cut on his wrist, it was barely visible, “Cat got me.”</p><p>“Cat?”</p><p>“Remember?” Minwoo grinned, “A cat got me…”</p><p>Dongwan blinked and nodded as he caught on, “Oh...right.”</p><p>Dongwan left for the bathroom to go change. Minwoo looked at his wrist and sighed slightly as he went to finish getting ready. Andy went over to him, “Hey Minwoo…”</p><p>“Yes?” Minwoo asked him as he fixed his hair.</p><p>“I…” He hesitated for a moment, “What’s wrong with Wan?”</p><p>Minwoo dropped his hands to the side and looked at Andy, “What?”</p><p>Andy frowned at him, “Why does he keep wearing long sleeves?” </p><p>“He’s cold?” Minwoo said in the form of a question, not sure how to answer.</p><p>“Minwoo…” Andy glanced around, “I-Is he hurting himself?”</p><p>Minwoo’s eyes widened a bit as he looked away, “He...um…”</p><p>“He is...isn’t he?” Andy </p><p>“I…” Minwoo looked at him, “Please don’t tell Eric…”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>Minwoo pleaded with him, “I’m helping him through it...so please…”</p><p>Andy frowned, knowing he should tell the leader but the pleading made him think otherwise, “A-Alright…”</p><p>Minwoo patted him on the arm, “Don’t worry...I’m helping him…”</p><p>Andy watched him walk away and he sighed. He knew better but was going to give Minwoo a chance to fix the problem. And if it seemed to get worse, he would speak up. He was a bit ashamed of thinking his friend hurt himself, but since he had been down that road many years before he just knew the signs. </p><p>---</p><p>Their performances again went well. Dongwan seemed to have more energy than before which made Eric happy. They gathered at a restaurant to discuss future plans, which included a series of concerts.</p><p>Dongwan picked at his food, feeling worn down from the day. Andy was watching him from across the table, seeing he had a long sleeved shirt on again. He realized that Minwoo had one on too. Maybe to make Dongwan feel comfortable about wearing it? It weighed on his mind all day, what was Dongwan thinking about that caused him to harm himself?</p><p>Dongwan pushed his half eaten plate of food away. His stomach wasn’t up to being fed much more. He noticed Andy staring at him, he smiled a bit at him. Andy looked away, embarrassed about staring, and watched as Minwoo excused himself from the table to use the restroom.</p><p>Andy slowly switched seats so he could sit next to Dongwan, “Hey Wan…”</p><p>Dongwan noticed the others were in a deep conversation, he looked at the youngest member, “Yea?”</p><p>Andy lowered his voice a bit, “I know you’ve been harming yourself…”</p><p>Dongwan looked at him shocked, “W-What?”</p><p>“I asked Minwoo…” Andy spoke softly as he put his hand on his thigh, “I won’t tell anyone…”</p><p>Dongwan looked down, trying to process what the younger man was saying, “H-How?”</p><p>“Been there done that.” Andy said as he patted his thigh and left to go back to his seat.</p><p>Dongwan watched Minwoo come back, he reached out for him. Minwoo took his hand, he could see that Dongwan had tears in his eyes. He cleared his throat and announced to the group that they were leaving.</p><p>---</p><p>Dongwan paced around his living room. Minwoo sat on the couch watching him, “Wannie...tell me what’s wrong…”</p><p>Dongwan stopped and glared at him, “Y-You told Andy!”</p><p>Minwoo frowned, “He already had guessed...it threw me off…” </p><p>“H-He’s going to tell the others…” Dongwan began to pace again.</p><p>“I asked him not too....” Minwoo stood up, “He says he won’t say anything.”</p><p>Dongwan growled as he grabbed his hair and stopped pacing, “Y-You ruined it…”</p><p>Minwoo felt as if someone had punched him in the gut, “W-What?”</p><p>“I-I didn’t want anyone to know…” He let go of his hair and sighed, “I…” He glanced at his friend for a moment before leaving the room.</p><p>“Wan…” Minwoo followed him into the kitchen and watched as he grabbed a knife from the drawer, “W-Wan don’t…”</p><p>“I-I’m so mad…” Dongwan huffed as he ran the knife across his bandaged wrist, cutting through it into his skin.</p><p>Minwoo grabbed the knife from him and wiped it off on his shirt. Dongwan had tears going down his cheeks as he watched his friend cut his own wrist, “D-Don’t…”</p><p>“If you do it...I do it.” Minwoo said as he put the knife in the sink.</p><p>Dongwan pushed past him as he went to the bedroom, crying. Minwoo ran his hand through his hair as he stared at his freshly cut wrist. Little beads of blood came through the cut. He went into the bathroom and cleaned it up, wrapping it in a new bandage. He grabbed the first aid kit and went into the bedroom.</p><p>Dongwan laid on his stomach on the bed, his face stuffed in a pillow as he cried. Minwoo sat down on the bed and grabbed Dongwan’s injured wrist. Dongwan rolled onto his back and let his friend wrap it up. He stared at the ceiling as the tears kept coming, “W-Why am I like this?”</p><p>Minwoo finished wrapping his wrist and laid down next to him. He put his arms around him and held him close, “I don’t know but we’ll beat it…”</p><p>Dongwan rolled onto his side and scooted closer to him, placing his hand on Minwoo’s chest, “I’m sorry for being like this…”</p><p>Minwoo kissed his forehead but didn’t say anything. What could he say? There were no words that would comfort his friend.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Andy sat in Dongwan’s living room, Minwoo had called him over and there were no group activities. He was nervous as if he was in trouble for something. He watched Minwoo come into the room and hand him a soda. He took it, “Thanks.”</p><p>Minwoo sat down next to him with a giant sigh. Andy looked over at him as he cracked open the soda, “So...what’s going on?”</p><p>Minwoo frowned slightly, “Dongwan is upset that you know…”</p><p>“I…” Andy took a drink of his soda and set it down on the coffee table, “It was a wild guess…”</p><p>“How did you know?” Minwoo looked at him, “We’ve been trying to hide it…”</p><p>“Well...like I told Wan ...been there done that.” Andy looked over at the older man, a sad expression on his face.</p><p>“Really? When?” Minwoo didn’t like the idea that Andy had suffered with self harm as well.</p><p>“It was when I was in America...during my hiatus.” Andy confessed as he shrugged it off, “So a while ago but…”</p><p>“So not since then?”</p><p>“No...I have ways to deal with it.” Andy looked down at his hands.</p><p>Minwoo pulled back his sleeve and showed the younger man his bandaged wrist, “I’ve been doing it with him…”</p><p>“Minwoo…that won’t help him…” Andy looked at his wrist.</p><p>“I know...but…” Minwoo dropped his hand, “It’s the only thing that made sense to do…”</p><p>They watched Dongwan come into the room, he had just woken up from a nap. He stared at Andy, wondering why he was there, “Hey Andy…”</p><p>Minwoo pulled down his sleeve, “I asked him to come…”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Dongwan tried to smile, but lifted up his sleeve to reveal his cuts from the night before, “I need a new bandage…”</p><p>Minwoo nodded and got off the couch to go get the first aid kit. Dongwan sat down next to the younger man and looked at him, “What are the ways you use to deal with this?”</p><p>Andy blinked some, feeling happy that Dongwan was asking, “Well...there are rubber bands. Where you wear one on your wrist and snap it when you get the urge to cut.”</p><p>Dongwan looked down at his cut up wrist. Andy looked at it also and felt a bit queasy, “Ice...holding ice in your hand or rubbing it on the area you want to cut to numb it…”</p><p>Dongwan nodded as he ran his fingers over the cuts. Andy cleared his throat as he looked away, “Also writing in a journal. Writing out the bad thoughts you have…”</p><p>Minwoo came into the room, “All sound like good ideas…” He sat next to Dongwan and started to fix up his wrist.</p><p>“You may also want to talk to someone...a doctor…” Andy said slowly, knowing a lot of people don’t like that idea.</p><p>Dongwan frowned slightly, “I should but…” He closed his eyes for a moment, “I’m not ready…”</p><p>Andy nodded, “Try those other things then…and when you’re ready, go see a doctor.”</p><p>Dongwan opened his eyes and looked at the younger man, “Thanks Andy…”</p><p>Andy smiled at him, “We care about you, Dongwan. I won’t tell anyone about this but...in order for us to help you need to tell the others.”</p><p>Minwoo closed up the first aid kit, “When he’s ready…”</p><p>Dongwan nodded and looked at his bandaged wrist, “They’ll be disappointed in me…”</p><p>“No.” Andy said bluntly, “We’ll be relieved that you told us...cause we can help fight it together.”</p><p>Tears stung Dongwan’s eyes as he just nodded as a response. Minwoo held his hand, “When you’re ready…”</p><p>---</p><p>Dongwan was practicing some dance moves by himself. He and Minwoo arrived before the others to do some one on one. Minwoo watched him carefully and helped correct some moves. Dongwan sighed as he stood there defeated, “Why is this so hard?”</p><p>“You are out of energy because you’ve been down...it’s alright. Don’t beat yourself over it.” Minwoo explained as he walked over to his friend and hugged him, “Remember to try the things Andy told us about…got the rubber band right?”</p><p>Dongwan pushed away to show his friend he had one around his wrist, “I do…”</p><p>“Good.” Minwoo smiled at him.</p><p>He pulled down his sleeve as the others started to come in. They all greeted each other and began rehearsing. They went through a few songs before they decided to take a break. </p><p>Dongwan sat on the floor drinking some water, he felt exhausted but tried his best to keep up. Eric walked over to him and knelt down, “Hey Wan…”</p><p>“Hey…” He waited to be lectured about not having enough energy.</p><p>“How are you doing?” The leader asked curiously as he tilted his head.</p><p>“I’m…” He hesitated for a moment, “Today I’m actually alright.”</p><p>Eric smiled a bit, seeing it was the truth, “Good.” He placed his hand on the man’s shoulder, “We’ve been worried about you.”</p><p>Dongwan looked down, “I know…” He looked at him and smiled sadly.</p><p>Minwoo walked over to them and sat next to Dongwan, “What do you know?”</p><p>“That everyone is worried about me…” Dongwan said softly.</p><p>Eric let go of his shoulder, “Andy told me that you would explain what’s going on when you’re ready…”</p><p>Dongwan nodded. Minwoo put his hand on his friend’s thigh as he looked at the leader, “Soon…”</p><p>Eric smiled at them both before making his way to the others. He went up behind Andy and hugged him playfully. Dongwan watched with a frown as he pulled up his sleeve and snapped the rubber band against his wrist. Minwoo watched as a red mark appeared in the midst of cuts. Dongwan glanced over at him and smiled sadly. Minwoo kissed him, “I love you.”</p><p>Dongwan nodded as he pulled down his sleeve, “I love you too…”</p><p>Eric announced to the group that they needed to get back to rehearsing. Minwoo stood up and helped his friend to his feet. They went to the middle of the floor and began to practice again.</p><p>---</p><p>Dongwan sat in his living room, his chest feeling heavy. He was able to get through rehearsals fine, only snapping the rubber band a few times throughout the day. Yet now his chest was heavy and he felt like he was panicking. He snapped the rubber band again and sighed as he watched Minwoo come over to him with a drink. He took the glass and drank from it before setting it down on the coffee table, “I...I don’t feel right…”</p><p>Minwoo sat next to him, “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“I feel like a panic attack is coming on...I....” He leaned against Minwoo’s arm, “The rubber band isn’t helping right now…”</p><p>Minwoo put his fingers in his drink and took out an ice cube. He handed it to his friend, “Rub this on your wrist…”</p><p>Dongwan took it and did so. The cold was hurting a bit as he rubbed it over his cuts. It didn’t take long for it to start numbing them. He frowned, “I was alright until we got home…”</p><p>“Is it because it’s nighttime and you’re getting tired?”</p><p>Dongwan finished rubbing the ice cube on his wrist as it melted away, “Maybe…”</p><p>Minwo set his own glass down and wrapped his arm around Dongwan’s shoulder holding him close. Dongwan sighed as he shifted so he could kiss his friend. Minwoo smiled a bit into the kiss as he pulled away, “Can I do anything to help?”</p><p>Dongwan nodded as pushed Minwoo back onto the couch, he climbed on top of him. He leaned down and kissed him briefly before speaking, “Distract me…”</p><p>Minwoo nodded and grabbed his sides, “Very well…” They kissed again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dongwan stood at the door to the rehearsal space that the group used. He was supposed to go inside but something was stopping him. His anxiety was at an all time high and he just couldn’t force himself to go inside. Everyone else was in there getting ready to practice. He tried to take a deep breath as he pulled back the rubber band on his wrist which broke on him. Tears stung his eyes as he put his hands on his head and sat against the wall near the door. He breathed heavily as he shook. He wanted to go get Minwoo but his body refused to move. So he just sat there against the wall, having a panic attack. </p><p>He saw the door open but didn’t move as he closed his eyes trying to slow his breathing.</p><p>“Wan…” A voice said as he felt hands grab his shoulders, “Wan...you alright?”</p><p>He slowly opened his eyes to see Junjin, he frowned and shook his head as tears went down his cheeks. Junjin got up and went back into the room. It didn’t take long for Minwoo to rush out and hug his friend, “Wannie...what’s wrong?”</p><p>“I-I can’t do it…” Dongwan said softly, he noticed the rest of the group watching, “I...I can’t do today…”</p><p>Minwoo rubbed his back, “It’s alright…” He pulled away to look at him better, he used a hand to wipe his cheeks, “You don’t have to do anything today…”</p><p>Dongwan wrapped his hands around Minwoo and gripped his shirt, “I-I’m sorry…” He looked at the others who looked very worried and frowned, “I’m sorry…”</p><p>Eric told the others to go back inside as he knelt down to the other two men, “You can just watch us today, alright?”</p><p>Dongwan nodded as he wiped his nose on his sleeve, letting go of Minwoo. Minwoo slowly stood up helping the other man to his feet. Eric stood up as well and looked at MInwoo, “We need to talk…”</p><p>Minwoo frowned as he guided his friend into the rehearsal space. He sat him down on a couch in the room, he kissed his forehead, “Just relax, alright? Eric wants to talk…”</p><p>Dongwan wiped his eyes, “I’m sorry…”</p><p>“Don’t be.” Minwoo pet his head a bit, “I love you…” He spoke softly before motioning Andy over, “Watch him for me.”</p><p>Andy sat down on the couch next to Dongwan. Dongwan rubbed his palms on his jeans as he breathed heavily. He glanced at the younger man, “I’m sorry…”</p><p>Andy frowned at him and took his hand to hold it, “No reason to be…just breathe.”</p><p>---</p><p>Minwoo walked out of the rehearsal space and found Eric in the hallway. Eric looked at him, he didn’t seem happy, “I think it’s time you told me what’s really going on…I know you said soon but this?”</p><p>Minwoo stuffed his hands in his pockets as he let out a sigh, “This is the first real panic attack he’s had…” He looked at the taller man, “Wan’s been cutting himself…”</p><p>Eric’s eyes widened, “What?”</p><p>Minwoo pulled up his own sleeve to reveal the few cuts he had, “I’ve been doing it with him…”</p><p>“Minwoo…”</p><p>“He woke up one day in a deep state of depression...which led him to cutting. He tried hiding it but I caught him.” Minwoo explained as he stared at the cuts on his own wrist, “He says it relieves him of his depression...but it's been getting worse. So I started to cut...because I love him too much for him to suffer alone.” Tears began to sting his eyes as he looked at the leader, “Andy suggested a few things to help but…”</p><p>“What is different about today?” Eric crossed his arms, unsure how he felt about the situation, “Why the panic attack?”</p><p>Minwoo shrugged, “Last night we made love...as a way to distract him. This morning he seemed a bit down but nothing seemed to have changed…”</p><p>Eric dropped his hands to his sides with a sigh, “He needs to see someone…”</p><p>“He isn’t ready.” Minwoo rubbed his arm as he thought about it, “Why I’ve been trying to help…”</p><p>“He needs someone that isn’t you to help...someone who can be blunt with him.” Eric explained, “You love him so much that you started cutting...that isn’t helping him.”</p><p>“I know…” Minwoo ran his fingers through his hair, “We can’t force him though…”</p><p>---</p><p>Rehearsal continued without Dongwan who sat on the side and watched. He seemed to calm down a bit but the lingering panic was there inside. He felt awful for freaking out and now everyone was worried about him. He took a drink of water as the group finished a song. He watched as Minwoo walked over to him, “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Better…” </p><p>Minwoo knelt down, “Eric knows…”</p><p>“I figured.” Dongwan said softly, “I don’t know what happened…”</p><p>“Just isn’t your day…” Minwoo took his hand to hold it, “He wants you to see someone…”</p><p>Dongwan looked down at their hands, “I should but…”</p><p>“We’re not going to force you...we just…” </p><p>“Are worried.” Dongwan finished his thought as he looked up at his friend, “I’ll get there…”</p><p>“I know.” Minwoo squeezed his hand before letting go, “Better get back to it.” He smiled a bit before going back to the rest of the group to finish practicing. </p><p>---</p><p>After rehearsal they went out for lunch. Dongwan picked at his food, not feeling very hungry. The lingering panic was still there making him a bit uncomfortable. He pushed his plate away with a sigh and drank some water. Everyone was talking as if the morning breakdown didn’t even happen. Which was good for Dongwan yet made him a bit upset.</p><p>Minwoo finished eating a bite of food when he looked over at his friend, “Not hungry?”</p><p>“Not really…” Dongwan frowned at him.</p><p>“Want to go?”</p><p>“N-No…” Dongwan shook his head, “I don’t want to go…”</p><p>Minwoo frowned and put his hand on his friend’s thigh, “Just let me know when…”</p><p>Eric cleared his throat a bit too loudly and everyone looked at him, “Good work today.”</p><p>Dongwan looked down knowing he wasn't talking about him. Eric smiled at everyone, “We have a few more shows to do before we start the concerts...is everyone up for it?”</p><p>Dongwan frowned as everyone answered. Eric looked at Minwoo, “And Dongwan?”</p><p>Dongwan looked up and smiled sadly, “Of course.”</p><p>Minwoo squeezed his thigh but didn’t say anything. They went back to eating and talking about their future plans. Dongwan looked over at his friend, “I want to go...but not home…”</p><p>Minwoo nodded as he stood up and excused themselves from the table. They said their goodbyes and left.</p><p>---</p><p>Dongwan sat on a bed in a hotel room, after driving around for ten minutes Minwoo decided to just get a room. Dongwan looked down at his bare arms, he was shirtless, he rubbed his fingers along the cuts on his wrist and frowned. </p><p>Minwoo left the bathroom, wiping his hands, he saw his friend shirtless, “What are you doing?”</p><p>“I was warm…” Dongwan said sadly.</p><p>“Oh…” Minwoo took off his own shirt and tossed it aside, “There.”</p><p>Dongwan looked up confused, “What?”</p><p>“Can’t have you be the only one shirtless…” He grinned as he sat down on the bed next to him. He grabbed his friend’s hand, “Why don’t you want to go home?”</p><p>“All I seem to do there is cut...” Dongwan leaned against his friend, “I’m afraid I’ll overdo it…”</p><p>“I won’t allow that.” Minwoo said softly, rubbing his thumb against his friend’s hand.</p><p>Dongwan closed his eyes, “What if…”</p><p>“No…” Minwoo squeezed his hand, “Don’t think that way…” He tilted his head to set it on top of his friends. </p><p>They sat in silence for the rest of the night before falling asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minwoo sat at the end of the hotel bed on the phone, “Hey Eric…I think we’re going to take the day off…” He glanced back to where Dongwan laid on the bed, fast asleep.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Eric asked from the other side.</p>
<p>“He’s afraid to go home...we’re in a hotel right now…” Minwoo frowned as he looked down at his feet.</p>
<p>“Why is he afraid?”</p>
<p>“H-He’s afraid he’ll overdo it with cutting…” Minwoo sighed through his nose.</p>
<p>“Minwoo he really needs to see someone…”</p>
<p>“I know...but…” Minwoo looked at his cut up wrist, “Give me today with him and see how it goes…”</p>
<p>“Alright. Take today off and work on this...we need our old Wan back.”</p>
<p>Minwoo smiled a bit, sadly, “Yea...I miss him…talk to you later.” He hung up the phone and looked back to see Dongwan staring at him, “Hey…”</p>
<p>Dongwan rubbed his head against the pillow he laid on, “I miss him too…”</p>
<p>Minwoo frowned as he climbed up the bed to lay next to him, “We’ll get him back…”</p>
<p>Dongwan sighed, “What are we doing today?”</p>
<p>“We got the day off…” Minwoo put his hand on Dongwan’s cheek, “What do you feel like doing today?”</p>
<p>Dongwan closed his eyes as he thought about it. He shrugged a bit, “I just want to relax…”</p>
<p>“How about a picnic?” Minwoo watched him open his eyes, “Get some sun…”</p>
<p>“By that creek where we first...did it?” Dongwan grinned a bit at the memory.</p>
<p>“That was so long ago…” Minwoo smiled, “So young and unsure what to do…”</p>
<p>Dongwan laughed a bit for the first time in a month, “Let's go there…”</p>
<p>Minwoo kissed him loving the sound of his laugh, “Sounds like a date.”</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Minwoo spread out a blanket out on the grass. They had gone to their secret spot in a park near a creek. Dongwan set a plastic bag with food down on it and sat down. The area was shaded but they could still see the blue sky through the trees. Dongwan laid down on his back and stared up at the sky, it was warm out with a slight breeze.</p>
<p>Minwoo sat down on the blanket and got himself a soda from the plastic bag. He cracked it open and took a deep breath of fresh air in, “It’s nice out…”</p>
<p>“It is…” Dongwan said softly, “Remember how cold it was that night?”</p>
<p>Minwoo laughed, “You’re stuck on that, huh?” He set his soda down and laid next to his friend, “That was embarrassing…”</p>
<p>“We were so horny…” Dongwan got up a bit so he could set his head down on Minwoo’s stomach.</p>
<p>Minwoo smiled to himself as he started to stroke Dongwan’s hair, “We still are…”</p>
<p>Dongwan laughed a bit, which was music to his friend’s ears. Maybe the fresh air was all Dongwan needed to feel better? Minwoo stroked his hair some more as he remembered that night they snuck out.</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan followed Minwoo into the park, it was late out so no one was around. They had snuck out of the dorm to spend some alone time together. They had been secretly dating for a month and were almost caught a few times since then.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo got to the creek and spread out a blanket on the grass, “This is a good spot…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan watched him as he crossed his arms, it was a bit chilly out, “A-Are you sure we won’t get caught? Imagine the scandal…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo walked over to his friend and grabbed his arms, “We won’t…” He pulled him close to kiss him.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan uncrossed his arms and wrapped them around his friend as they kissed. He pulled away and pushed him to the ground onto the blanket. Minwoo grinned as Dongwan got on top of him, taking off his shirt and straddling his hips. Minwoo kissed his friend’s chest, licking it a bit as he did. Dongwan groaned as he grabbed Minwoo’s hair, he moved his hips a bit, “D-Damn…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo pulled away, “What?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan grinned, “I...I can’t hold it much longer…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo laughed and got Dongwan onto his back, he undid their pants. He pulled off Dongwan’s pants, struggling with his shoes but finally got him naked. He took off his own shirt with a groan and went into his pants pocket and took out some lube, “I-I came prepared…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan smiled as he waited for Minwoo, his body ached with excitement. Minwoo spread the lube over himself in a hurry as he huffed, he wanted Dongwan now. After a failed attempt he finally was able to go inside his friend. It was weird, painful, sexy and just awkward as hell for them both. Since it was their first time it didn’t take long for both of them to cum and groan in disappointment.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo pulled out of his friend with a sigh, “Well that was…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Dongwan pulled him down to kiss him, “It was good.” He laughed into the kiss a bit, “My ass hurts…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Minwoo laid next to him with a short laugh, “Sorry...it’ll be your turn next time…”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Oh good.” Dongwan laughed, “There will be a next time…”</i>
</p>
<p>Dongwan stared at the sky as his hair was being stroked, tears went down his cheeks, “M-Minwoo…”</p>
<p>Minwoo sat up and looked down at him, “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>Dongwan reached up to him, “I love you so much…”</p>
<p>Minwoo smiled and took his hand, “I love you…” He kissed the top of his friend’s hand.</p>
<p>Dongwan used his free hand to wipe his cheeks, “I-I think I’m ready to see a doctor…”</p>
<p>Minwoo nodded as he held his hand tight, “We’ll call them and get an appointment…”</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Minwoo closed the front door. He and Dongwan arrived home, they had spent the better part of the day at the park. Talking about the future and what was in store for the both of them. Minwoo set the blanket they used on the couch, “Start the bath...I’m gonna call Eric.”</p>
<p>Dongwan nodded as his friend walked over to him. Minwoo kissed him as he took out his phone, “I love you.”</p>
<p>Dongwan smiled a bit, “Love you…”</p>
<p>Minwoo watched him leave to go to the bathroom. He dialed Eric’s number and waited, “Hey Eric…”</p>
<p>“Hi Minwoo. How did today go?”</p>
<p>“He wants to see someone…” Minwoo said softly.</p>
<p>“Good.” </p>
<p>Minwoo sighed a bit, “We’ll see you tomorrow for rehearsal…”</p>
<p>“Alright. See you tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Minwoo hung up the phone and made his way to the bathroom. For some reason he stopped at the door, a wave of panic hit him. Unsure what it was he slowly opened the door, his eyes widened at what he saw. He dropped his phone, “W-Wannie!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minwoo sat there, his head hung low as he picked at the scabs on his wrist. His leg was bouncing up and down, his stomach uneasy. His vision was blurred due to the tears in his eyes. </p><p>“Minwoo…” A voice said.</p><p>Minwoo stopped picking at the scabs and wiped his eyes to see it was Eric with the other members behind him. He just frowned at them all and hung his head again.</p><p>Eric sat in the seat next to Minwoo, the others found free seats to sit in. Minwoo sniffed loudly, “E-Everything was alright…”</p><p>Eric looked at him as he spoke but didn’t say anything. Minwoo wiped his nose, “H-He laughed...w-we had a great day…”</p><p>Eric put his hand on the man’s thigh, “Minwoo…”</p><p>“We got home and were going to bathe…” Minwoo looked at him, “I called you and then when I went into the bathroom...h-he…” Tears streamed down his face. </p><p>Eric frowned as the man cried, he put his arm around him to hug him. Minwoo covered his face with his hands, “I-It was everywhere!”</p><p>Eric hushed him as he looked over at the other members. They were all upset, especially Andy who was crying a bit to himself. Minwoo pushed away and wiped his eyes, “I-I love him so much…”</p><p>“I know…” Eric watched a doctor come into the room.</p><p>---</p><p>Minwoo stood in the doorway of a hospital room, his eyes puffy from crying. He stared at his best friend who was in the hospital bed, his left wrist wrapped up tightly. IVs attached to the top of his hand, giving him fluids. Minwoo’s stomach became uneasy as he turned to leave but was stopped when he ran into Shinhwa’s leader.</p><p>Eric put his hand on the shorter man’s shoulder, “Where are you going?”</p><p>“M-My stomach is upset...I...I can’t see him like this…” Minwoo explained as he put his hand on his stomach.</p><p>“He’ll want to see you when he wakes up…” Eric glanced into the room.</p><p>“I...I know but…” Minwoo sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.</p><p>“Breathe.” Eric instructed as he lightly pushed the man into the room.</p><p>Minwoo did so and sat in a chair next to the bed, he watched the leader leave them alone. He put his hand on top of his friend’s and stared at him, waiting for him to wake up. He frowned to himself and spoke softly, “Wannie...I was so scared…” His thumb rubbed the top of his friend’s hand, “T-This isn’t going to stop me from loving you…” He choked on his words a bit, “We will defeat this…”</p><p>He glanced up when he heard his friend groan. He watched as he slowly opened his eyes. Dongwan blinked a few times as he remembered what had happened. He frowned at the thought and lifted up the hand Minwoo held to see the bandages wrapped tightly around his wrist.</p><p>Minwoo swallowed back some tears as he explained to his friend, “They stitched it up…”</p><p>Dongwan looked at him as he set his arm back down. Minwoo kept holding his hand tightly, “Wannie…”</p><p>Dongwan stared at him, still frowning, “I lost control…” He said very softly, “I’m sorry…”</p><p>“Shh.” Minwoo said as he scooted his chair as close as he could to the bed.</p><p>Dongwan looked up at the ceiling and sighed, “When will the doctor be back?”</p><p>“Soon...they’ll set you up with a physiatrist.“ Minwoo let go of his hand, “We’ll beat this…” He said softly as he stood up and kissed his forehead.</p><p>---</p><p>“What state of mind are you in when you cut?”</p><p>Dongwan looked up at the doctor, it was a week since being in the hospital for attempted suicide. He was seeing a physiatrist for the second time that week. He looked away as he thought back to those moments of weakness, “Depressed...anger…”</p><p>“Anger?”</p><p>“Anger towards myself for being depressed. It isn’t like me to let something like depression bother me like it has…” He shrugged a bit.</p><p>“What made you depressed in the first place?”</p><p>Dongwan frowned as he looked back at the doctor, “I woke up one day wanting to just give up...I don’t remember anything triggering it. I hadn’t been sleeping all too well due to work...so maybe stress added to it?”</p><p>“It could easily do that, yes.”</p><p>“For some reason I thought cutting would relieve the pain inside…”</p><p>“What happens after you cut?”</p><p>“It makes it worse...I feel regret and hate towards myself for doing it.” He looked down at his bandaged wrist, the stitches were itchy.</p><p>“You said your partner cut with you?”</p><p>“He said if I did, he would…” Dongwan frowned at the thought of Minwoo harming himself, “I felt so awful for making him do it…”</p><p>“Does he struggle with depression?”</p><p>“Just like everyone else...since my incident he hasn’t cut. He doesn’t have the urge like I do…”</p><p>“I know you said you tried rubber bands to help fight it...anything else?”</p><p>“I’ve been writing in a journal...and lately…” Dongwan looked up at the doctor, “I’ve been into cooking different dishes...Minwoo helps me with chopping up stuff.”</p><p>“Having a hobby helps. It keeps your mind busy and you accomplish something…”</p><p>“It’s fun to spend time cooking with Minwoo…”</p><p>“Minwoo and the others seem like a great support system for you…”</p><p>“They’re the best.” Dongwan smiled.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shinhwa gathered around Dongwan’s dining table. In order to thank his friends Dongwan decided to cook a feast for them. They were all stuffing their faces with the delicious food. Eric swallowed some food and groaned happily, “Wan this is amazing!”</p><p>Dongwan smiled, to everyone’s delight, “Thanks. Minwoo helped.”</p><p>Minwoo shook his head, “I just chopped up the stuff...it was all you.”</p><p>Andy helped himself to seconds, “This meat is so tender…”</p><p>“Andy likes tender meat.” Junjin said naughitly.</p><p>Andy hit him in the arm, embarrassed, “Shut up!”</p><p>Everyone laughed. Dongwan let out a happy sigh. He hadn’t felt so happy with himself in months so finally being able to not force happiness felt amazing. He put his hand on Minwoo’s thigh as he spoke to the group, “I just want to thank you guys for everything…”</p><p>Eric waved his hand telling him no problem, “You know we love you.”</p><p>Dongwan nodded, feeling Minwoo’s hand go on top of his, “I know and just thank you.”</p><p>“Anytime.” Hyesung spoke, “Are you going to be alright with the concert coming up?”</p><p>“Of course.” Dongwan looked at Minwoo then to the others, “As long as you guys are there...I’ll be fine.”</p><p>---</p><p>Dongwan sat on his bed, staring at the scar on his wrist. He finally got the stitches out and the scar looked ugly. He ran his fingers across it with a sigh. He glanced up to see Minwoo coming into the bedroom, removing his shirt. His friend plopped down on the bed next to him, “Hey…”</p><p>Dongwan grinned at him, “Hey yourself…”</p><p>Minwoo grabbed his friend’s wrist to look at the scar, “They say scars are sexy…”</p><p>“Not this one.” Dongwan pulled his arm away, “It's just a reminder…”</p><p>“Reminder?”</p><p>“Reminder that no matter what...I am loved and depression won’t defeat me.” Dongwan looked at his friend.</p><p>Minwoo smiled at him as he climbed on top of him. He started to remove his friend’s shirt, “I wonder who loves you?”</p><p>Dongwan laughed as his shirt was tossed aside, “Oh...the guys...and maybe you? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say it.”</p><p>Minwoo kissed him, his hands resting on his shoulders as his legs straddled his friend’s hips, “I guess I’ll just have to show you…”</p><p>Dongwan’s hand grasped his friend’s sides as the other man kissed his neck. He closed his eyes to concentrate on his friend’s touch. Minwoo sucked lightly on Dongwan’s neck, he pulled away and grabbed his wrists scarred wrist. He kissed it gently. Dongwan opened his eyes and watched him kiss his wrist as he smiled sadly, “It’s ugly…”</p><p>“Nah…” Minwoo said softly looking at his friend, “Nothing about you is ugly…”</p><p>Dongwan kissed him again and turned him so he was on top. He grinned at his friend, “I love you Minwoo…”</p><p>“Wannie…” Minwoo put his hand on his cheek, “I love you…”</p><p>
  <i>Minwoo sat in his dorm room reading a book, it had been a quiet day. He looked up when he heard a knock on the door and saw Dongwan sitting there. He smiled, “Can I come in?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Of course.” Minwoo tossed his book aside, “Close the door behind you…”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Dongwan grinned as he shut the door and locked it. He walked over to his friend’s bed, “So Eric didn’t mention to me about sneaking out...did he mention anything to you?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Nope. So I think we’re in the clear.” Minwoo grinned as Dongwan crawled onto his bed towards him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Dongwan crawled up and got into his friend’s lap. He kissed him softly, “Is it my turn?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Hell yea…” Minwoo pushed him away so he could get undressed.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They struggled with their clothes but both of them got naked. Dongwan kissed Minwoo, straddling his waist, his hands explored his friend’s body. Minwoo groaned a bit, “W-We can’t be too loud…”</i>
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  <i>Dongwan nodded as he fumbled to get some lube. As he spread Minwoo’s legs there was a knock on the door. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Hey Minwoo! Why is your door locked?” It was Eric.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Minwoo stared at Dongwan and gulped, “W-What do we do?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Dongwan blushed as he was ready to enter his friend, but Eric’s voice was making it awkward. Eric knocked on the door again, “Minwoo!”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Minwoo growled a bit as he pushed Dongwan off of him. He threw his pants back on and went to the door, cracking it open, “What?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eric stared at him, “Why are you shirtless?” He noticed his pants were undone, “A-Are you watching porn?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“What?!” Minwoo laughed, “N-No.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Is Dongwan in there?” Eric tried to push the door open but Minwoo stopped him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I’m here.” Dongwan appeared next to his friend, fully dressed.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Why is the door locked?” Eric crossed his arms, suspicious of them both.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Secret meeting.” Dongwan explained, “It is almost your birthday…”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eric’s eyes widened as it was true, “Ooh a secret about my birthday?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Yep.” Dongwan looked over at Minwoo who was dumbfounded at what was happening. Eric cheered as he left them to their secret meeting.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Minwoo closed the door, “That was close…he didn’t question why I was half naked with you in the room...”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Dongwan laughed before pushing Minwoo against the door to kiss him. Dongwan pulled away and stared into his eyes, “I love you.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Minwoo smiled as he hugged his best friend, they hadn’t said those three words yet, so he was extremely happy, “I love you too…”</i>
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